Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
