I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
