When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
