clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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