Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
