It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
