just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
