She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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