mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
