there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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