I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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