once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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