i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
