I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
