that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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