Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
