my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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