I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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