And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
