My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
