I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
