i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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