OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
