my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
