I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
