I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
