Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
