Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
