Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
