why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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