let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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