I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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