I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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