I could make wine with my vomit
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
