I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
