Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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