I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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