How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!