Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
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He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"