I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something