lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!