i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
