i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
