i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
