The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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