Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
