My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
