I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
