The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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