his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
