I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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