I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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