have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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