I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
