just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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