I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
