My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
