go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
