woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
