life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
