I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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