meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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